Failing life and hoping for the future.

So as the title says.. well it pretty much describes it all, Got a girlfriend, she broke up with me.. now i'm angsty... I left facebook cause of that kind of thing and now i'm google + which I enjoy.. but im basically there alone.. I got no one on it that actually goes on it... so it's kinda lonely.
but ya.. time for vent, I god damn miss bailie, it's driving me nuts.. I think of her with everything.. I want to be with her around her.. I want to hold her son hayden in my arms again.. god i'm weird.. but I miss her a lot. The other day I got distracted by a song she likes, and now all top 40 music that I hear.. I imagine her dancing to it... my heart drops to my stomach every time too. any blond girl I see I check to see if it's her.. it's getting to the point where I can't watch porn anymore>.>... ya I know me right? weird..


And with all that, theres all that school and house searching I have to do.. which blows.. i've been lazy and got stuck on one school problem and I haven't done it since.. i've been to unfocused with this bailie thing.. ah women the bain of me.. well other than me. and with houses... well all my choices suck apparently.. I understood it more but then got freaked out on by my roommate cause my dad should look since he knows what he's looking for.. but here's the thing, my dad doesn't need the house. WE do. so WE should look for it. but they want me to pick it so theres no arguments and blah blah blah.. while in fact it puts loads more stress on me.. I shrug it off of course.. I be the nice guy and such.
On the other hand i've been sleeping with emily again.. stupid I know... but meh, I can tell she'd still love to get back together, but I can see that crumbling, we barely make it together as just friends..>.> and ellie snapped at me so I screamed in her face and made her cry..... what?! she deserved it! and frankly I enjoyed it. Everyone needs a snap to realize "oh wait, i'm not the center of the universe!" especially when you lie and do drugs behind someones back... *grumble grumble* oh drama drama.. the only reason it doesn't turn to full drama is cause i tell them how it is. and done. well... mostly. but enough. any drama starts I either slice and dice or just leave.

But ya... if anyone whos in contact with bailie ever reads this.. if she asks. yes I'm still in love with her.. She's turning to be another kayla... damn..>.> I really don't need two girls on my mind constantly. bah!
well I should probably sleep, thanks for the rant journals/people.
night!

Strength

Arg, so a little bit of a hangover right now.. I'm pretty sure I should just stop drinking for good, but i've always been pretty bad at trying to rid myself of something without outside help. I'm supposed to go out drinking tonight as well though.. last night wasn't bad but i'm not moving anywhere with my life, and it hurts me in a way that no one would really understand. I think I might, but only for a little.. I don't really feel like going out, I want to work out, get school ready. I really need to prove to myself I can do this.. it'll be really hard though.


Strange.. I don't really know what to talk about right now, I want to sit down and do something creative, make something with what I have, that or enhance my plans for apocalyptic events, we'll see how things go.. I do have to work tomorrow, and today is my coworkers birthday.. I want to go out with him but I can't drag him to the party and I can't go out for long anyways.. It's quite annoying..

I need to find a girlfriend of sorts someone that can push my limit to help me do what I want to do, but understands me and how I feel.. which is probably not going to happen but I can dream right? I just need to find that motivation that's deep inside that can't seem to escape fully.
There's many things that I need to do.. i'm sick of being too weak, too stupid.. or just not good enough to do them. I want to be stronger, smarter and just all around better. I need to be.

Pitfalls of the Human Emotion.

I wanted to come up with a title.. But I believe it would make more sense to do that after writing. So i'm sitting in my room in the dark alone, like I usually do, and things tend to hit me, slowly realizations creep up on me like that tingly feeling you get in your back right before you sneeze, and this one came up and said, what's wrong with you human. I seem to be pining jealousy over a girl from work, we had our thing it ended alright and then after it ended she hated me but that's not the point. We are fine now and it seems she has someone else.... so why am I jealous? I do not understand, is it cause I can't have her? Is that the simple truth that i'm no longer in control of this mind and all I want is to have her so someone else can't? In the end she's not the one I want of course, the one I truly want is still that girl that haunts my dreams, never more, never more of course. But back to the issue I don't know what to do, I want to throw off my accursed libido and get rid of my urges for people of any nature but I can't seem to eject it out of my soul. I currently only want to be with one person in a serious manner for marriage and such, but I still want to have a relationship with this girl, so much that it hurts. Ah tis an annoyance from the days of spring.... I wish.. but that is something I'll probably have to deal with as I go along.

There is also the issue of school, I have to enter it tomorrow and I'm not sure where or how or what in the hell to do. Apparently to enter a correspondence course you have to meet the principal or teacher or whatnot... Really? I'm 21 coming on 22, paying you 500 dollars what do I need to see you for? Your getting money just leave me alone. but that is not the case, So I have to find this person in the midst of a busy schedule and make things work in order to initiate the procedures of the next 4 to 6 years of my life.
It's going to be a long one.. but I better go watch that stupid animes that I love so much and head to sleep in order to meet my friend in the morning, ta ta for now... don't know why I said that I hate that saying,
ciao I'll clean up the page and make it look nice later.

The beginning of change.

So you may not know me, what I do, who I am, or even why i'm talking. Perhaps most people will not even see this blog, I'm not even going to advertise it much. This will be mostly for me, and my work, my drive, my everything about me, whatever I want, whatever I feel, no holding back. Pure unaltered truth.. or so I hope, being made by a creature it can't be pure truth, more so.. Just my side of it. But I let you sit and enjoy the torment or success of my life as much as you can, Whoever you are.. or whoever you may be, you can sit and see who I am, what I feel, and even some tidbits of insanity I administer myself once and a while.
Enjoy.